Convos to have with your partner : Postpartum
The fourth trimester (yes, I’m calling it another trimester) is a wild adventure. There is so much going on, your body is healing, you are figuring out a new routine with your partner, learning what your new little human likes and doesn’t like and becoming the most raw version of yourself before blossoming into the next phase of you - the mom you.
For some — like me — a lot comes at your at once. My husband and I were once, a highly independent couple. We did things separately or with or friends quite often, we were used to our own schedules and being ‘selfish’ focusing on our careers and growing as people separate from and within our relationship. We rarely fought and when we did it was over silly things and never lasted more than a few hours. I had a moment where I realized, we never had many shared responsibilities together besides keeping our condo in order or both making sure we showed up for each other.
Add in a newborn, a mom that is a whole new person but doesn’t even realize it yet, a dad who is slightly overwhelmed by a little baby girl who takes over his attention 24/7 and a wife that needs more love, affection, attention, help and vulnerability than ever before …. it can be a lot!!
Personally, I felt like I was failing by getting into arguments with my husband. All I had ever heard was how easy it was and that you immediately fall more in love with each other and everything is roses and butterflies. Then I started talking to other new moms going through the same things as me and I realized how normal this was. It’s a new time for both you and your partner. there are going to be some growing pains and it is going to take extra patience and the most important thing — clear communication.
Here are some of the things that really helped us ease into this new chapter together and find our footing. Don’t be afraid to ask clearly for what you need and remember to be patient with each other.
Ask For Help: You may not know how you’ll need help once the baby comes, but you’re going to be expressing that you need them, especially in the middle of the night. We recommend your partner help get the baby up in the middle of the night. While you pee and get set up to feed, they can change their diaper. This is very important before getting stuck underneath your newborn for 45 minutes. This way you can get settled in your chair with everything you need (water, burb cloths, nipple cream, haaka, phone). They don’t have to be up for the full feeding, but being there in the beginning helps tremendously.
Sleep in: If your partner was able to sleep more than you, then maybe they can help by waking up with the baby in the morning, so you can get one more full hour of uninterrupted sleep. Brian slept in the guest room for a while so he could take Colette first thing in the morning and get Bella ready for school. I was able to sleep another hour before he left for pre-school dropoff. You eventually figure out your routine together!
Kiss each other goodnight + hug in the morning: Sleep deprivation will make you both go crazy, so acknowledge that you’ll probably get under each other’s skin. It’s all just temporary— we promise there’s light on the other side! Try not to go to bed or wake up angry, because you guys are a team. Agree that whatever you said when you were sleep deprived (tortured) is probably not what you actually meant.
Teamwork: Work together on the following: Prepping and cleaning breast pumps/ bottles, changing diapers, finding binkies, cleaning swaddles and onesies, loads of laundry (including mamas milk PJs), groceries, cooking, and stocking changing tables and feeding areas.
Guests: You should both agree on when to have houseguests. Check with each other first to see if it’s okay. When people pop by unannounced to meet the baby, you’ll most likely be topless, milk stained, and in a zombie state.
Sickness: Talk about how you want to handle sickness or people coming over who haven’t felt well. Have a hand-washing rule before holding the baby (if you even want to do that). What about visitors having flu vaccines or anything like that? Just make sure you’re on the same page before guests come over.
Your first date: Are you both open to having a family member or someone you trust to eventually watch your baby so you can go on your first date? It’ll be important to connect as a couple. This could be around 6-8 weeks postpartum or even 6 months. Whatever you’re comfortable with— make it a goal and choose the place. It’s fun to have something to look forward to!
Family Time: What do you envision family time being like and how would you like each other to ‘show up’? Is it dinner time, Saturday morning walks, or no scrolling Sundays? Whatever it is, make it a special routine.
Scheduling: How will you handle a scheduling conflict when something comes up? Sickness, work conflicts, and cancellations happen. How will you divide and conquer?
Tag Team: Being home with your baby all day is a lot of work… especially as they become mobile. No matter where either of you have spent the day, tag team laundry, dinner, dishes, and cleaning… teamwork makes the family work!
Me-time: What’s one activity each of you need once a day or week to keep in your routine so you can keep your health and sanity? (examples: an hour of meditating & breath-work for you & some time alone watching sports for him)
Check in: Finally, agree to check in with each other and see what the other needs. Have interest in each other’s mental and physical health.
For more on this conversation, where we dive deeper into all things postpartum and the realities of what this new chapter brings for you and your relationships.